Qwark

Qwark is a fat ass butterball notorious for watching folks swim down at the local community pool. He's been arrested seven whole times on account of stalking, public masturbation, sexual harassment, and identity theft. He is often found guilty of having a good time.

Qwark's real name is Copernigger Moleslie Qwark, but he just goes by Captain Dickweasel. He's served extensive jail time, as a warden, prison guard, lunch lady, inmate, and toilet seat. He's been through it all. He's one tough mother fucker.

He was once the "lady of the night" for Supreme Executive Pimp Drek, but Ratchet said his ass straight. He was then marooned in the jungles of Florana where he was then molested by monkeys. Ratchet once again saved his ass and took him to the Starship Penis, where he enticed him with a phallus-shaped fruit known as the banana.

Ratchet has enticed him several other times as well, but my sheer level of maturity is guiding me to not go down that road. I digress...

Qwark has been subject to life-threatening illnesses such as faggotry, friendliness, heroism, and breathing.